A random side conversation I had tonight with my friend Sean Dailey reminded me of what was undoubtedly my worst date ever -- not with Sean Dailey (although you can go bother him at his blog), but with this kid named DUSTIN, circa 2003. With the way the event is so vividly burned into my memory, I was certain I had blogged about the travesty, but a search through Blurty at that time has proven otherwise. (However, clicking through the ol’ blog reminded me that I looooooved drinking, and boys, and drinking, and boys.) (Not that much has changed, per se. I just like to think I’m more articulate about it.) I knew I had told SOMEONE the story of Dustin and the Worst Date Ever, and a search through my old e-mails confirmed that that person was my BFF, Jessica McDonnell.

“….I met a reeeeaaallllly cute guy at the gym last night, his name was Dustin. He's got that mixed ethnicity going with icy blue eyes and wavy hair, and the flirt meter was turned up high. I loved it. I was so infatuated with the boy that after we went to a 30-minute crunch class together, I didn't even continue working out, being so elated.”

[Who meets a guy at a CRUNCH CLASS? And what the fuck is a FLIRT METER? I want to smack 2003-Jenn in the mouth already.]

October 12, 2003

[A month later. What I didn’t write out here was that somewhere in between this time, I had drunkenly kissed Dustin at a party while I was ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER BOY. Not my finest moment, but to be fair, said boy “left to go get cigarettes” and didn’t come back for two hours.]

… I got a call from Dustin, the boy I met at the gym. He left a message, asking me out Tuesday or Wednesday, "whatever worked in my schedule." I was like, wow, cool....

[I like how impressed I was that he was willing to work with my schedule.]

So we decide on Wednesday, and he's like, okay, well, I'll cook dinner for you at eight. I'm impressed by all means at this point. Come Wednesday, I'm all dressed up, and he picks me up and we pick up pink champagne.

[Red flag #1: PINK CHAMPAGNE.]

I get back to his one-bedroom apartment.

[Red flag #2: GOING BACK TO THE APARTMENT OF SOME RANDOM DUDE WHOM YOU SPENT A MERE THIRTY MINUTES WITH, DOING CRUNCHES. Dustin gave me a quick tour of his bachelor pad, and the red lightbulbs in his bedroom's overhead lights made the moment that much more tense. From his computer, the playlist: soundtrack instrumentals from Romeo and Juliet and Legends of the Fall. I wish I was making this up.]

This is where it all goes to hell.
1) He laughs at *everything* I say. This will be explained later. But worse yet, when he laughs, his cute little face makes this joker-like expression. I don't know. It just bothered the shit out of me. Like, how can someone that attractive look so ugly at a moment's notice.
2) I'm pretty sure he had bronzer on. And he works out twice a day. He used to work at Abercrombie. (I'll let YOU sort out the judgements on THOSE comments)
3) Every time I'm in arm's length of the kid, he wants to make out. Okay, so I kissed him once at a party. Drunk. ONE GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE is NOT going to recreate that. But I admit, I tested the waters. FURTHERMORE, the kissing wasn't all that GOOD. Waaaay to much tongue -- in fact, I don't even think there was kissing, he was basically just trying to lick the lips off my face, I guess.

[RED FLAGS 3-34230423 This was exactly as I remember it. I felt like he was laughing at me not because he thought I was funny but because he was trying to get laid. Regardless, Dustin was, by all superficial accounts, a gorgeous man. He looked like a bi-racial Justin Timberlake who modeled for Hollister. If that’s what you’re into. And when I was twenty, sadly, that’s what I was into. Unfortunately, he was the worst kisser I’ve ever laid lips upon. I’ve been more turned on making my morning toast.]

4) Dinner. He cooks Teriyaki chicken (which was edible, that's good.) and as a side? Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Now hold on. That's not half bad, kinda shows his vulnerability. Or something.

[His vulnerability? I don’t know about that. However, macaroni and cheese is pretty much my favorite food, and his intentions to make it where probably the only rays of light in the darkness that is this date.]

Yeah well. Wait for this -- He begins to apologize for the shells and cheese, and I'm like, Nawww .it can't be that bad, you can't fuck up boxed pasta. And he's like . . (wait for it.) "Okay, I have to admit something. I smoked weed before you got here, and uh . .I forgot to drain the water out."

"What?"

"I added the cheese sauce without draining the water. It's kinda soupy."

"You didn't."

HE DID. FUCKING FUCKED UP SHELLS AND CHEESE, because he SMOKED SO MUCH FUCKING WEEEEEEED before I got there?

[Wow. Potty mouth. But it was embarrassing. It’s wrong on so many levels, but surely you think he would come to and just throw out the macaroni/cheese/water mess. No, he put it in a bowl and served it too me. Bad form indeed.]

6) So a couple of glasses of champagne later, some more bad kissing. I'm starting to get the feeling that he's consistently lying to me. ""This is a picture of me, in a river, when I studied for eight months in new zealand." "I've been told I look like Brad Pitt" "I'm an exercise science major, but I really want to be an actor." "I've dabbled in modeling." "Look, poetry.com wants to publish some of my poetry, want to read some of my poetry? Which one do you like better?"

[He also told me he was "black from the waist down."]

7) Probably the highlight of the night was when I smoked pot with him. Only because it was my source of escapeism from the damned situation. We watched old SNL clips on his computer and laughed (except he made that damned joker face, so I tried not to look at him). As I was coming down from my high, I looked over to find him shoving handfuls of tortilla chips in his mouth. With a look of disdain, I decided then it was my time to leave.

[Yet another good decision – you’ve already decided he’s creepy under the influence of champagne, why not let him smoke you out, too?! Nice. We also watched a performance of Michael Jackson, Live at Bucharest.]

In all honesty, Jess, I never want to see his face again. He's far too sexually aggressive, and more unfortunately, he's really creepy. Which is a shame, because he really is a pretty face, but that is about all.

[I like how creepiness degrades him more than sexual aggression. Like, I don’t care if he tries to rape me, as long as he’s not really weird about it.]

How does the story end?

Hearing me come home, my roommate came downstairs to ask how my date went and instead caught me ravaging this bag of Tostitos.

As for Dustin, he called me three times after this incident, and I left him the pleasure of leaving three voicemails. One message was some dude yelling angrily which may or may not have been him. Another was an invitation to join him and his friend in the hot tub, as they just popped a bottle of Cristal. But my favorite was the third message, in which he shouted "SUCK MY SCROTUM!" into the receiver before hanging up.

I wish him all the best.